The People Who Hurt Me Most

I have placed here my heart aches and some about my twisted relationship with my family. It dawned on me years ago that the men who could and had hurt me most are my two brothers and my father. They hurt me physically and emotionally. And the woman who could and had hurt me most is my mother. My animosity grew and grew until I don’t even want to live in a house with them anymore. I don’t feel like family.

I have questioned my being and my entirety. It has also come to a point where I’m doubtful if I would want to have a family. I have always joked around that I will end up to be a spinster and my friends kept on saying that I just have to wait and don’t rush things. They said I will definitely find “the one.” But thing is, it isn’t about finding “the one.” I don’t think I’d be fit to be a mother. I don’t want to have a family if this is what is meant by family.

This is not to say that my family is all that bad. They have good qualities as well. My mom though she is a nag is really someone who knows how to take care of people. My dad don’t say much but I know he’d go through great ordeals for me. I have little good things to say about my brothers but hey they are my brothers.

Sometimes I question what’s blood got to do with it. You share genes and that’s the end of it. The bond we ought to have does it really have to be automatic? People should work for it. Respect is not automatic. Love is not automatic.

They know I think that I’d be happier away from them. Alone doesn’t mean lonely. Finally, when I will walk out of here I’d be happier and at peace. And hopefully it will be soon.

blogs and domains…

Woah! I didn’t know I had that many blogs and URLs until today. And my mission today is that all will be connected with each other, most specially the blogs.

Here’s a link to my GEOCITIES account which I haven’t updated in years!

http://www.geocities.com/night_sky_girl/

Here’s my deviant art account which I haven’t updated in years as well…

http://attica41.deviantart.com/

My blogs include tabulas, blogspot, friendster and livejournal!

http://www.tabulas.com/~fuchi

http://www.fuchi127.blogspot.com/

http://attica.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

http://night_sky_girl.blogs.friendster.com/night_sky/

I have profiles in yahoo, friendster, hi5 and even in myspace. I don’t know if the latter is still existing. he he he he he…

junk clothes and laundry…

As you know I have been doing this clean up thing in my room since Monday. I never thought there will be so much clothes in my closet that I took out… Here they are! I will be giving my father a hard time carrying those back to my room at home. He might not even want to bring them home if he saw them…

The washing machine is busted. Remember the hamper full of dirty clothes yesterday? Well, I tried washing them with my hands. I only got as far as the whites, flesh, pinks and reds. I didn’t get to the blues, grey, and blacks. The reason… Take a look at this…

Busy hands stings right now. I opted not to go on further. It stings! Ouch! But at least I have finished almost half of the laundry. And here they are drying in the drive way. He he he he he!

my kind of wax

Looks like it’s a never ending task to keep everything spick and span. After rearranging everything! Last night, after sweeping, dusting and arranging stuff all over my room, I also waxed the floor. And I was feeling nostalgic. Back when I was little, I would do the waxing of the house in the province. That’ll include eight rooms and a sala for the second floor and downstairs, three sets of sala, dining room, and the kitchen. Imagine that! And here I was complaining how hard it is to clean my room. He he he he he… I WAS industrious then.

Here is my gleaming floor after waxing… He he he he he he he….

interior designing 101

I’m a frustrated interior designer and so I rearrange my room every now and then. If only my furnitures could speak they might tell me, “Enough already!” I gave up my big wooden desk for a small worn out green steel one. And so my room widened up a bit… Here are pictures… If only I took pictures of the before and after… You’d commend me! Ha ha ha ha ha! I forgot to mention that I am the messiest person I know…

My cozy bed. The pillows aren’t quite well made. Oh well, I told you I’m messy! And my little reading chair with throw pillows…

 

My bagrack and shoe rack the the foot of the bed… Sheesh! I won’t be able to use the shoe rack from now on… Better put my shoes in the common shoe rack… he he he he he!

 

 

From right to left… My green desk… plastic drawers… My bookcase… Filing boxes… Laundry Bin! (which reminds me that I have to do my laundry) and Cabinet

 

 

The door with my cork board… Mirror with me in it on top of the bed taking a picture… And my towel rack… he he he he he!

 

 

 

 

 

 

And lastly!!! A little chair at the side of my bed… beside it is my computer rack with my monitor. The CPU’s broken. It was fried! But my boombox is working!!! he he he he…

NOW WE HAVE TRAVELLED 360 degrees inside my room!!!

if he sees right through you… cease to exist

I know how deeply you love her and what you have gone through for her. I know what you’re willing to give and have given for her. I saw and I read how you desired her to come back to you. Now, I understand why.

I’m a fool thinking there is even just a faint hope for me and you. I don’t know what’s worse seeing you suffering for her or knowing that I exist to you but you see right through me.

It boiled down to me again as it should. I am not strong enough to wait nor foolish enough to keep waiting. Besides, you know me. I am not one with high hopes and I do give up easily. And I am giving up on you and that possibility.

I just hope I could keep my promise to myself.

i shouldn’t cry

I won’t cry. I shouldn’ t. What should I cry about anyways? A relationship that has been severed? But we don’t have one at least not the romantic type. A love lost? But you’re not in love with me. I shouldn’t cry. I shouldn’t.

I exist but you see right through me. You can’t be mine. I know. It is futile h0ping you’ll be mine someday.

I should let go now that I could still do.

Come back when I am well again.

I feel well right now. Come back. I told you I shouldn’t cry and I didn’t. I am well. Come back. I need you.

tentative title: a fish and a fish

We are bonded by destruction. We drink love until we see pink elephants walking the streets of Manila. We even hear the same song like the faint clinking of the xylophone next door. We are indeed two of a kind: a fish and a fish, slimy yet beautiful. We both reek of sadness so we cling to each other. Do you agree?

No. We are not. I am fire and you are ice. Look at us. We are an abomination. I am donning a tee with a picture of strawberry milkshake which I wore to school today. You’re wearing you slacks and your black polo from work. I talk, you listen. You never talk at all. I never listen.

But last night happened, right?

Maybe.

You’re confusing me.

Yes, I am.

Last night, tense chills came up my spine as you came closer. My body was cold with sweat and my breath stank with spaghetti and orange mints. You hugged me and you never want to let go.

But the click of the clock was like a sawmill grinding me to pieces. The sand drifted away too fast. I savored every kiss but I am fire and you are ice. I melted you. You killed me.

punch

dark blood clots on my left arm…

fresh!

After work, I went to get my hair cut. And at this point I have embarked on a mission. To get myself as fresh as I can even if I haven’t had any shower at all because I was supposed to meet this guy. I bought myself facial wash and cream, lots of tissue, alcohol at Mercury drug MRT station Ayala. I won’t tell you what I did next.

Does it show that I didn’t have enough sleep nor I haven’t taken any shower. There’s no telling what magic I did here… Ha ha ha ha ha ha…